Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
