When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
