He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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