There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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