I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
