.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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