Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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