This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
