I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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