So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
