I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
