I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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