I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
