Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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