Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
