If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
