i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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