Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
