Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
