new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
