If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
