all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
