I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
