Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize