Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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