So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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