I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
