I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
