I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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