dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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