It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
