How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
