how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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