I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
