If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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