Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
