I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
