Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I want a musical about memes.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
