I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
