I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Randomize