if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
