I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
