I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
