i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
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