The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
