and you said cock pushups were impossible
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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