i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
