the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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