Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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