Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
