I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
