Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
