a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
