What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
