i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I forgot how hot balto sounded
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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