does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
