I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
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