I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
