In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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